


harsh truths

by tsaritsas



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Sad, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsaritsas/pseuds/tsaritsas
Summary: Zoya gets ready for a party and Nikolai shows up to talk
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov & Zoya Nazyalensky, Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	harsh truths

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sobachka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sobachka/gifts).



Sometimes Zoya wished she didn’t have to attend all these fancy events. It came with her job, of course, as part of the triumvirate. It wasn’t the fashion she minded, as she liked dressing up at times, even if going through her wardrobe with Genya could be a bit of a pain. The food was normally delicious too, and Nikolai and Genya always knew exactly what should be served depending on the time of year and who was coming. 

It was always the people that Zoya wished she didn’t have to endure. And though the people changed, it was always the same. They all wanted something, something that came with some sort of price. Whatever it was, there was always a cost. Money, allyship, weaponry. Their king. Or rather, his hand. 

Money no longer sounded like that bad an option. 

Zoya held up her dress as she looked in the mirror. Blue, she realized, would be fine for tonight. 

She slipped on her dress quickly, sticking her arms through the sleeves. The dress hugged her figure at the torso, the sapphire fabric of the maxi skirt barely touching the floor of her bedroom. She gazed at her reflection once more. The dress was tight, but not so tight that she had any difficulty breathing. It flattered her figure, but in a way that would be too distracting to anyone during the party. She looked at her face in the mirror, and she held her arms across her chest, knowing the puffy red around her eyes simply would not do for a king’s engagement party. She lifted a hand to wipe her face again, hoping to rid the tear stains. No one could know. It was no way for a general to behave while at a party for her king. The people would know it was only allergies if they suspected. 

She hoped Genya would arrive soon, so she would not have to deal with her swollen eyes and puffy cheeks before she saw Nikolai. He, of all people, could not suspect anything. Too much was at stake, and she didn’t want to make his life any harder than it already was. 

Zoya heard the soft tapping of footsteps in the hall, probably Genya arriving with the makeup and hair products. As fussy as Genya was, Zoya’s hair really was frizzy today. A quiet knock came from the door, Zoya walking to meet whoever was there.

“May I come in?”

Which she never expected to be Nikolai. 

Zoya ran to splash some water on her face. She couldn’t let him see her like this, not tonight, and he could especially not find out why. 

“Hello? Are you in there, Zoya?” 

_ Not yet not yet not yet.  _

She wiped her eyes.

“Come in.” 

Nikolai stepped into her bedroom, looking as handsome and charming as ever. He had colour to his cheeks, thank the saints, and his hazel eyes shone in the lantern light, What remained of the sunset came through the window and cast a sort of glow on him, and he looked more ethereal at that moment than he had in any other. But she couldn’t focus on that. Not now.

She looked up at him and gave a signature cold stare. “What do you want now?”

He smiled that goddamn smile that made Zoya’s heart do flips in her chest, but even so he looked quite nervous. It didn’t look right on him. “Why,” he mused, “I simply wanted to see my friend before I announce that I’m giving my hand to a girl who wishes me dead.” 

Zoya blinked, trying her best to keep her hostile demeanour. He couldn’t find out, couldn’t even suspect. “I don’t see how that’s my problem.” 

Nikolai scoffed. “Well, you were the one that told me I needed to get married in the first place.” He suddenly had a look of displeasure in his eyes. 

Zoya cast a downward look and crossed her arms. “I didn’t think you would actually do it,” she lifted her chin to meet his eyes, “and I also never said to marry someone who wants to murder you.” She gave a fake smile, trying to keep the tone of the conversation light, although she seemed to be failing. 

“And why did you make that bet?”

Zoya shrugged. “You always said you wanted to marry for love,” she replied, glancing toward the window. If she looked him in the eyes any longer, the tears would just spill with no way of stopping them. 

_ And that's the thing about illicit affairs _

_ And clandestine meetings and stolen stares _

“Well sadly, I knew that wouldn’t be a reality,” he said sadly. Zoya noticed that he had moved closer, and was now at arms reach. Zoya wished more than anything that she could grab his hand, that her brain wasn’t playing dumb tricks on her so that she could actually be his friend now when he needed one. 

“I wish it could be,” Zoya said, staring out the window to avoid his gaze, “then I would have to deal with your moping.” 

He chuckled at that, surprisingly, which made Zoya’s heart ache even more. “I wish for that, too.” He was right next to her now. She could feel his warmth as she stared out the window. 

“Nikolai,” she managed to say, “you have to go through with this tonight.” 

“You could still be my queen,” Nikolai said desperately, “I haven’t announced the engagement. We could call it off. The party could just be for the hell of it.” His hand brushed hers. “Please,” he breathed. 

_ They show their truth one single time _

_ But they lie and they lie and they lie _

_ A million little times _

“No.”

“Why?” he begged. “What would happen?”

She finally turned to face him, and said, “I told you. No one would want a Grisha as their queen!” She took a deep breath and said calmly, “you know just as well as I do.” The tears began to spill, and a lump rose in her throat. 

“Zoya-”

“I didn’t choose this either!” She said. “I don’t want it to be like this. I hate feeling this way just as much as you do, so  _ don’t act like we can change anything!” _ Zoya wiped the tears from her face. How could she have let him see her like this? _ How come she let herself react this way? _

_ Don't call me "kid," don't call me "baby" _

_ Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me _

“Ehri doesn’t love me anyway. Even if people knew about-”

Zoya wanted to smack him so badly. “It would still ruin your reputation, which is already fragile enough as is.” 

“Zoya, I don’t care.”

She had enough. Zoya walked towards the door to her room and opened it, holding it so he could walk out into the hallway. He followed suit. 

“You should care, you know.”

_ And you know damn well _

_ For you, I would ruin myself _

Nikolai looked back at her from a few feet down the hallway, a sad smile spread across his face that only made the tears want to flow faster. “I know.” 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> alright i wrote this ig sorry if its terrible


End file.
